shedding

'I've been born again and again and each time, I have found something to love.' - Gordon Parks

Is the heart a muscle that gets stronger every time it breaks, more capable of love the next time around? Or one that becomes hardened over time, resisting everything, in an effort to avoid future transformation, in an effort to avoid both the good and the bad.

Science's take: 'How a muscle responds to a repeated stimulus depends, to a large extent, on the inherent characteristics of the muscle itself.'

My take: Well, of course 'my take' is going to be more drawn out. No one has ever accused me of being succinct. But I have concluded that my heart's inherent characteristics must be strong.

I wasn't sure about this for a while. At one point I gave my father my toughest ice queen speech about how I was swearing off love and relationships. I think that during this fit of rage - channelled in a very controlled, articulate and straight-faced manner, but still rage nonetheless - I somehow summoned up every ounce of bitterness and disappointment that had been building up in me for quite some time and just projected it right on him. Perhaps I thought if I convinced him - the man who has witnessed and supported me unconditionally throughout all my heartbreaks, big and small for the last 31 years, and who knows how truly soft I am in my inner core - perhaps if I convinced him that I was strong enough to wall off my heart then I could also convince myself. Because there were moments when I really wanted to.

But I have finally accepted that not only would that be impossible for me, I also don't want that. The upside is just too good not to risk the downside. I'd do it all again, really, if given the chance. Maybe even twice, for the sake of the lessons learned.

It's taken me a while to get to this point... but somehow all the forms of good thereapy, whether that be books people gave me, pouring my heart out to friends or family over the phone, venting with good friends over several glasses of wine (umm... several times?), good advice I didn't want to hear because it was too painful to execute and therefore ignored the first, second, or tenth time, or, quite literally, my real-life therapist (some days I still can't believe I once thought therapists were only for truly crazy people, I swear that every penny I've paid that lady to put a mirror in front of my face and help me learn how not to be my own worst enemy has been some of the best money I've ever spent)... all those culminated into an epiphany one day that has changed the way choose to live my day every morning.

It was really just a simple agreement I made with myself to wake up every morning and follow three basic rules:

1) be authentic. be yourself. even when it pains you not to turn on the charm and be exactly what you know other people would want to hear or make them love you. because that is actually false and exhausting to maintain. we don't have time or energy for this.
2) you get one free pass to bring out the boxing gloves and use them on yourself, per mistake. get over yourself, God did not make you any less human than the next guy. again, we really don't have energy or time for multiple rounds in the ring.
3) no matter what we've been through, we refuse to play ridiculous games designed out of self-protection. if you feel something, say it. does that make you vulnerable, yes. but it makes you authentic. and ultimately being authentic is the best form of self-protection out there. had to learn that the hard way. see rule #1.

I guess it's true what they say... self-love is the best form of love out there and the best basis for all other forms of love... no matter how many years it takes us to get it right.