unravelling the string: shine on

Friday, 1 April 2011

shine on

There is this SKY advert being aired a lot right now that always sucks me in emotionally. (Sorry, SKY advert is brit speak for a TV advertisement for the main satellite television provider in the UK - 'SKY'). Dustin Hoffman has this little 15 second speech and it goes like this:

'Stories. We spend our life telling them.
About this, about that, about people.
But some... some stories are so good,
You wish they'd never end.
They are so good, that we'll go without sleep
Just to see a little bit more
Sometimes stories bring us laughter
and sometimes they bring us tears.
But isn't that what a great story does?
It makes you feel.
Stories that are so powerful,
they really are with us forever.'

Depending on the day, it moves me in different ways, but always strikes a nerve... maybe because a lot of my stories and chapters have been closing over the past year or two and wow they were powerful but I wouldn't trade them for anything. And they will be with me forever, in a good way.

Music moves me like that as well. On some days over the past couple of years I have actually left my iPod at home, banning myself from music in an effort to tune out my feelings as well. But many days have passed since then - and many baby steps have gradually been taken in rejection of that mentality - not feeling is just not for me, I've always been someone who feels deeply, I just can't live any other way. It took me a long time to realise that it's okay to surround myself with people in my life who can celebrate and embrace that part of me instead of continuing to try to mold myself into something I'm not. I'll take the ups, I'll take the downs, bring it on.

How does one really experience life without all of the above?

In response to an email I sent to one of my dear friends a while back when I was in a pretty sad place, breaking some bittersweet news and how I was feeling about waving the white flag - expressed in a 'signature odd me' sort of way - think Mastercard commercial script, the end culminating in a big lesson (which was, of course... you guessed it, 'priceless') accompanied by a series of songs along the way for the things I just couldn't find the words for... well, this person responded in kind with a list of their own songs for me, and I've decided this one is one to live by... Eric Bibb, Shine On: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZvd_OZ_Lvs

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Disclaimer

This blog reflects my unedited thoughts and I've shared it with you it is because you are either one of my long standing friends or family members, or you are one of the many random and wonderful people who come in and out of my life whom I find interesting or perhaps have connected with in some small or big way - but most importantly, you have somehow demonstrated that you have the slight potential of truly 'getting' the unedited version of me. So, this time around, with this blog, I will warn you that it may not be for everyone, as I am not going to spend my time commercialising or sugar coating for the masses (I have exploring to do!) and yes, sometimes this means I may sound just like I do when I am across the table from you - I may get long winded, introspective or lost in my thoughts and go off on tangents or be 'too deep' or 'too personal' (you know what, deep and personal is real to me, and I like real - hopefully you do too), I may make no apparent sense, or say something that only I think is funny, and I'm okay with that. If you are too, read on. Because, while I hope that this blog helps me keep in touch with many of you better, if you want the truth, it is really primarily for me - to capture the raw version of what will hopefully be a very memorable journey I will reflect upon for years to come.

What the hell am I doing

Good question - have asked that a few times, myself. The answer to that question may evolve as I go along. Technically I am getting on a plane and going to Cambodia to do some volunteer work and see where it takes me from there. But beneath that I suppose I must admit I am following that unravelling string I mentioned when I left Guatemala last September. (Not sure about my word choice here... 'unravelling string' could be perceived just as a more eloquent way of saying 'screws loose'. Oh well, perhaps it's true... but in a good way.) Anyway, I will recap what I wrote as I was departing: "My list of lessons learned here is long and I won't go into all of them right now, but I think I can summarise them into one big theme. So many decisions in my life have been based on practicality and sensibility. Sometimes based on societal expectations or expectations I've placed on myself about what success and happiness should look like. And if I'm honest, there is a little thread that runs through all of these that is really just nothing more than fear - fear of the unknown, fear of the unconventional, maybe even fear of failure or what other people may think. And if I take nothing more away from this little journey it is this - that thread of fear has started to unravel in a big way."