role reversal

Less than two months ago I was sitting in my parents' living room with a seriously long list of unanswered questions about my future. Now, I'm not talking about a 5-year plan, I'm talking about a 5-month plan or even a 5-week plan. As someone who has worked incredibly hard to keep a pretty firm grip of control on my present and future life for as long as I can remember (I'm an accountant for God's sake!) this feeling was both incredibly refreshing as well as overwhelmingly daunting at the same time.

In that moment the only thing I really knew for certain is that my short-term lease expired on 18 April, and it was pretty clear to me that after that date there was a compelling force coming from deep within me that was not going to let me do anything but get out of London for a while. Get out of London and turn this period of change and uncertainty in my life into an opportunity to break away and go do something that makes my heart happy. You know, when life gives you lemons...

The questions (warning - reading this list may give you a headache): Should I quit my job and ship my stuff back to America... should I take the break my London employer offered me and put my stuff in storage in the UK... what sort of risks am I taking with respect to my right to work here if I take a leave of absence and leave the country and try to come back... do I want a long term career in the UK... do I want to make partner at my firm... if I come home can I readjust to American working culture... do I want to.... will Chicago seem small now in comparison.... but do I really think my lifestyle in London in sustainable.... Chicago is so cold, remember it makes your fingers freeze even through gloves in the winter... I have no family in the UK... why can't I find somewhere to volunteer my professional skills in a Spanish speaking country... research research research... how many months should I take off work...

Trying to answer the questions over the past two months: Advice, advice, advice from friends, family and trusted colleagues... 'don't try to make too many big decisions about your future right now if you don't have to, haven't you already made enough of those for now'.... thinking, thinking, thinking.... complicated visual maze starts developing in my head with 'if this, then that' arrows all over the place.... trying to control every single variable to make sure I don't close any doors for the future... hiring legal counsel to advise me on the immigration aspects...

.... and then finally realising this is a sure recipe for madness - to carry on in this manner trying to keep every door open with 100% certainty. It's time to just trust that if fate really wants me to walk through those doors when the time comes, then it will see to it that they are opened.

Proof of this transformation - my final conversation with my seemingly risk-averse immigration lawyer last Friday went something like this:

Him: (Long winded speech about the legal rules and how they have changed recently and all the various ways they could be interpreted....)

Me: (Finally cutting him off. Not usually my style, but this rambling is costing me 200 pounds an hour. This guy is honestly worse than me.) 'So, let me summarise: worst case scenario - if I get an immigration officer at the border who is having a bad day, or doesn't take a liking to me, or decides to take an unfavourable interpretation of these rules that are less than explicit, then I may be denied entry and possibly lose my right to work here because I left the country for so long. So what does that mean - what happens next after that? Will they let me back in to get my stuff at least? :) Fine, I will give a friend access to my storage unit just in case. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I cannot control everything in this life.'

Today: I am happily sitting in the Bangkok airport, drinking a beer, waiting for my connecting flight to Siem Reap where I am going to work for the next 3 weeks... and I can honestly say in this moment that I am pretty relaxed about all those lingering questions and just excited about being here and excited about the possibilities. Thank God... it's taken a while for my head to catch up with my heart.

What a switch. I've spent most of my life trying to force the opposite. Here's hoping that this role reversal I'm giving into will bring some interesting discoveries.