I just had a flashback from circa 1991. My parents had bought my brothers and me these t-shirts from some sort of leadership conference they had attended. I thought they were stupid. (From about 1991-1999, I thought most things my parents said and did were stupid, so the fact that I reacted with disgust at this t-shirt souvenir was no surprise. If I ever actually have a daughter, I suspect the universe will be cashing in on the hefty karma debts I built up during my teenage years...)
I still think the t-shirt was cheesy, and in this moment, I am recalling this mental image of a photo taken of my youngest little brother wearing it... the thought of it makes me laugh... I think he was missing a few teeth and it was so big on him it was more like a dress. But, right, get to the point, I know, I know.... the t-shirt said: 'Some will, some won't, so what.'
However, while I don't want those words plastered all over my chest - how true is that statement? I was thinking about it today as I am figuring out what is next for me after Cambodia, corresponding with a lot of places all over Central and South America.
Even though I felt mildly exploited and very frustrated last week when I received an email from this agency who placed me in Cambodia, cheekily changing their mind and asking me for 500 more pounds to set me up to do the same thing in Peru (this is just to put me in contact - I pay my own way)... well, I am sort of glad they did. For two reasons.
First of all, oddly enough, it indirectly helped me sell my condo. The next email that was waiting for me in my inbox was yet another counteroffer from a potential buyer I had been dealing with for days. Looking back, that email about my condo was somehow the final straw. I think this had been building up for weeks. Perhaps it was the constant witnessing of poverty for days on end, and knowing how far that extra 500 pounds would go in this country, not to mention the 600 pounds I had already paid to that agency. Maybe it was the feeling mildly guilty about paying that initial fee to them in the first place, and trying to justify it in my head ever since I arrived. It's not about the money so much as the principle. Maybe it was visiting the Killing Fields the previous day and taking in the sad and all too recent atrocities of the genocide this country endured a few decades ago - coupled by all the reading I've been doing about genocides since I got here, which has prompted me to try to convince myself, with no success to date, that it won't keep happening again and again across the world. And without a doubt, it was definitely those beers I had just consumed downstairs with the random English and German guys I met that evening that really put me over the top. But whatever it was, I finally got really fired up. I have such a tendency to adapt and be flexible, to compromise. But in that moment, that tendency was nowhere to be found. I told that buyer I was done - walk away. (On reflection - if I had actually really needed to sell the place, it would have been the dumbest negotiation move known to mankind - it was only $1.5k we were talking about and she was my only interested buyer in the 6 weeks it had been on the market. But I didn't care. Again, it was the principle of the matter. And I wasn't that desperate to sell it. I decided I would keep it for another year and see if the market improved.) She came back wanting it anyway, within an hour, for the right price. But by that point, that news had little effect on me. By that point, my frustration had somehow slowly transformed into just tears of sadness about all the heartbreaking things I have been seeing lately in this country. I guess my frustration and disappointment rooted a little deeper than the $1.5k, or 500 pounds.
But secondly, I think a little kick in the rear is exactly what I needed. A kick in the rear to live by the corny t-shirt slogan. Instead of looking on the shelf for another risk-free, pre-boxed experience, I stopped. Asked myself: what exactly do you want to do next? Do you even know for sure? Stop. Write it down. Then go tell people exactly who you are, what you are looking for, what you will accept, what you won't accept. Be open to the fact that many of them will say no, and most of all, don't take it personally. Move on. Wait for it. It will come. As a result of a week's effort, I received many no's and even more non-responses. But I also have plenty of yes replies sitting in my inbox with requests to come take photos for their website and marketing materials, to help train them on finance and accounting, to teach children, etc. etc. None of them want me to pay them to volunteer my time. I am getting very close to what I am looking for. I will be patient.
It's so silly that the fear of someone saying no to me has paralyzed me from action so many times - it's really no way to live. (Oh, I just wrote that with a z instead of an s! Maybe I am starting to shed my Englishisms! Wait, should ism be izm? I actually can't even tell anymore, I would have to google it. Nevermind.) It applies to all aspects of life I suppose - relationships, jobs, etc. There is this Dr. Suess quote I love: 'Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.' The more time I spend in these countries the more it sinks in that I have been privileged with the opportunity to design my own life. Not everyone has that privilege. And the more I realise it's a privilege, the more it feels like a responsibility. So I am starting to step up. Before you know it I am going to be channelling my inner Aussie mate and asking the chef in a random restaurant if I can come back tomorrow for him to teach me how to make the dish I just ate. (Surprisingly, this friend of mine gets quite a good response rate to this and has found himself donning aprons for impromptu cooking lessons in kitchens all over the globe...) Seriously, I'm not quite to that level yet, give me time. But you are definitely the voice in my head sometimes... you know who you are...
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