crikey!

Sometimes when I take a step back and think about the current state of my life, this is the first word that pops in my head.

I had to look it up to be certain how this strange word ever entered into my vocabulary. Google confirmed for me that it is my mates from down under who can be blamed for this one:

''An Australian exclamation of surprise or bewilderment.''

The word doesn't necessarily have a negative connotation. It's just that when I think about the range of possibilities that lie ahead of me right now, ''crikey'' seems to be an appropriate reaction. I may never be in such a unique position again in my lifetime.

Over a year ago, I tore this quote out of a book I was reading:

''This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run.'' - A.S. Bayatt, Possession

At the time, I really wasn't sure how to feel about said quote. It sort of made me feel ill because I feared that it perfectly described what lied ahead of me: a lot of big changes that scared the hell out of me and I desperately wanted to avoid. It seemed to represent the battle I feared I was losing against the little voice in my head, the voice that I really preferred would just shut the hell up, if I'm perfectly honest.

But I faced it, my ''midpoint,'' and I survived. And I was blessed to have the means to take a difficult situation and turn it into an adventure. I've been just about as free as a bird for many months now.

Freedom. It is a wonderful thing. It can be liberating. Enlightening. Euphoric on some days.

But if taken too far, freedom can also be isolating. And a shield to hide behind to avoid making a decision... to avoid committing to anything.

(Yes, I do actually recognize this.)

I have a job I could go back to in London. A little piece of my heart still lives there. I now have a (very unexpected) job offer in Honduras. A little piece of my heart will always live in the developing world. Then there is America (that country on the front of my passport). A big piece of my heart still lives there. Along with my wonderful family and long-term friends.

So I'm going back there next week to park myself for a while and make a decision. I may be on the brink of getting an actual address as well as a wardrobe too big to fit in a 45 liter backpack.

I will share with you an abbreviated version of an interview between me and myself on the topic. (I interview myself a lot.)

Q [me]: ''Do you think we are ready to make this decision?''

A [myself]: ''....[a lot of internal debate, omitted for your benefit]... Well, I think we have come a long way on this 'journey.' We've healed our wounds from some of the heartbreaking things we've experienced. Sure, some of them are still fragile. We're being very careful with them.

We've spent enough time alone to reevaluate our principles... our 'rule book,' if you will, on everything from our future career path to our relationships - both our relationships with other people as well as ourself - from this point forward. If it had a title, it would be really long. It would be called: 'My Rule Book for My 30s and Beyond, Inspired by Many Interesting and Unexpected Lessons Learned in My 20s.' It would have three really big approval stamps on the cover from 'Me,' 'Myself' and 'No One Else.'

And, if we have accomplished both of these things, then I think our wanderlust has served its purpose. A very powerful one. Job done.''

[whispering]''... Look, let's be honest, you and I both know that our wanderlust will never fully die. But I think I may be ready to dial it back a notch or two.''

Q [me]: ''Are you sure? Sounds scary. We wiped the slate clean and now have virtually no ties. Now is our chance to make sure whatever we write on it next is definitely the right thing.''

A [myself]: ''I know. I do feel overwhelmed on some days knowing that the choices we make now will be the foundation 'from which everything else will run....'''

Q [me]: ''That damn quote again.''

A [myself]: ''I know. But listen, no matter which direction we ultimately decide to point our compass, I am sure we are not done learning. We are human.

But I know that the most important thing is this. And I don't care if it sounds cheesy, I am going to say it anyway: We dusted off the cobwebs and found our true self again on this journey. The uncluttered, untangled, uncompromised version of ourself. And wherever we go we will be taking that self with us.

Oh, and that rule book with the really really long title. We may not be finished making mistakes, but we sure as hell aren't making the same ones twice.

So there is no doubt in my mind that we are going to be just fine!''