crikey!

Sometimes when I take a step back and think about the current state of my life, this is the first word that pops in my head.

I had to look it up to be certain how this strange word ever entered into my vocabulary. Google confirmed for me that it is my mates from down under who can be blamed for this one:

''An Australian exclamation of surprise or bewilderment.''

The word doesn't necessarily have a negative connotation. It's just that when I think about the range of possibilities that lie ahead of me right now, ''crikey'' seems to be an appropriate reaction. I may never be in such a unique position again in my lifetime.

Over a year ago, I tore this quote out of a book I was reading:

''This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run.'' - A.S. Bayatt, Possession

At the time, I really wasn't sure how to feel about said quote. It sort of made me feel ill because I feared that it perfectly described what lied ahead of me: a lot of big changes that scared the hell out of me and I desperately wanted to avoid. It seemed to represent the battle I feared I was losing against the little voice in my head, the voice that I really preferred would just shut the hell up, if I'm perfectly honest.

But I faced it, my ''midpoint,'' and I survived. And I was blessed to have the means to take a difficult situation and turn it into an adventure. I've been just about as free as a bird for many months now.

Freedom. It is a wonderful thing. It can be liberating. Enlightening. Euphoric on some days.

But if taken too far, freedom can also be isolating. And a shield to hide behind to avoid making a decision... to avoid committing to anything.

(Yes, I do actually recognize this.)

I have a job I could go back to in London. A little piece of my heart still lives there. I now have a (very unexpected) job offer in Honduras. A little piece of my heart will always live in the developing world. Then there is America (that country on the front of my passport). A big piece of my heart still lives there. Along with my wonderful family and long-term friends.

So I'm going back there next week to park myself for a while and make a decision. I may be on the brink of getting an actual address as well as a wardrobe too big to fit in a 45 liter backpack.

I will share with you an abbreviated version of an interview between me and myself on the topic. (I interview myself a lot.)

Q [me]: ''Do you think we are ready to make this decision?''

A [myself]: ''....[a lot of internal debate, omitted for your benefit]... Well, I think we have come a long way on this 'journey.' We've healed our wounds from some of the heartbreaking things we've experienced. Sure, some of them are still fragile. We're being very careful with them.

We've spent enough time alone to reevaluate our principles... our 'rule book,' if you will, on everything from our future career path to our relationships - both our relationships with other people as well as ourself - from this point forward. If it had a title, it would be really long. It would be called: 'My Rule Book for My 30s and Beyond, Inspired by Many Interesting and Unexpected Lessons Learned in My 20s.' It would have three really big approval stamps on the cover from 'Me,' 'Myself' and 'No One Else.'

And, if we have accomplished both of these things, then I think our wanderlust has served its purpose. A very powerful one. Job done.''

[whispering]''... Look, let's be honest, you and I both know that our wanderlust will never fully die. But I think I may be ready to dial it back a notch or two.''

Q [me]: ''Are you sure? Sounds scary. We wiped the slate clean and now have virtually no ties. Now is our chance to make sure whatever we write on it next is definitely the right thing.''

A [myself]: ''I know. I do feel overwhelmed on some days knowing that the choices we make now will be the foundation 'from which everything else will run....'''

Q [me]: ''That damn quote again.''

A [myself]: ''I know. But listen, no matter which direction we ultimately decide to point our compass, I am sure we are not done learning. We are human.

But I know that the most important thing is this. And I don't care if it sounds cheesy, I am going to say it anyway: We dusted off the cobwebs and found our true self again on this journey. The uncluttered, untangled, uncompromised version of ourself. And wherever we go we will be taking that self with us.

Oh, and that rule book with the really really long title. We may not be finished making mistakes, but we sure as hell aren't making the same ones twice.

So there is no doubt in my mind that we are going to be just fine!''

i love visitors

I received some great news today... my friend L (right) is coming to visit me for the last 2 weeks I am in Roatan... she is going to stay with me and come volunteer at the same center where I am currently working, and then for the last few days of her visit after I wrap up my commitment here, we are going to hop over to Utila, a neighboring island, to visit our Aussie friend H who now lives there.

This is H:


If someone would have told me when I left Guatemala last summer that I would be back in Central America a year later, not only living on an island but also having a reunion with two of the girls I met while volunteering there... I would have asked them what they were smoking and told them they were crazy. Wow - how life can change in a year.

So excited!

glimpses of roatan

america through different eyes

It's a well known fact that taking a few steps (or a few thousand miles) back certainly changes the view. I'm going on about four years now of living outside of the place I call home, the land of the free and the home of the brave. (And the Danzer Lee light, as I used to think it was called. Come on, admit it, you also got some lyrics wrong at some point in your childhood. Or adulthood. Maybe not of the national anthem, but, it's happened to you too. We can laugh about it.)

Yes, stepping away means that things that were previously an accepted part of the scenery can metamorphasize into glaring, ugly flaws... or strange phenomenons... or quirks. Or sometimes, they cocoon into beauty that would have never been appreciated in quite the same way without that added perspective.

Take for example, the CNN program being aired currently that has spent countless hours dissecting someone else's tragedy and reducing it to a soap opera, fueled further by the 21st century's modern reincarnation of the tabloid (AKA the facebook news stream which hurls opinions left and right). Followed by the latest in the US political drama, featuring a recording from a senator who has publicly called the president a liar. This whole public spectacle over the budget, being witnessed by the rest of the world, has been interesting (scary?) to watch from an outside angle. Yet the grand finale on this program was this: an interview with Hugh Hefner on being jilted at the alter, rounded out with a few questions (of course!?) on his opinion on the trial and the political budget debate.

I'm not commenting on what is right or wrong. And I absolutely value free speech. I'm just trying to draw a contrast here. I'm putting out there the fact that not all countries publicize and dramatize their trials, and I'd fall off my chair if I were to scan facebook over my morning coffee only to find some of their constituents using facebook as an opinion forum at all, much less as an opinion forum to spout views on such a sad situation of which they didn't have the benefit of witnessing first hand or personally hearing a balanced, undramatized recount of the facts. Not all countries' news programs routinely interview random celebrities such as an icon of the sex industry on serious political matters such as the budget crisis.


In summary, while I may not always agree with criticism of America, after now having seen it from the outside in for so many years, I usually don't struggle for long to understand it. And it has been my experience on anything in life that some midpoint between each end of the spectrum is usually the best place to land.

Yet America is America, I love it for exactly what it is, and it will always be where I came from and the place I still think of as home. And I have to admit: some of the many simple things that brought a smile to my face while I was back visiting over the past two weeks.... well, they were almost foreign to me. Actually, it wasn't so much things... as it was the nature of the people. A sample:

The lady in the elevator in downtown Chicago who I hadn't even bothered to make eye contact with: upon departing at her floor, she turned and said to me ''Have a good day."

The attorney in Chicago whom I'd never met before, yet spent a half hour notarizing documents for me on a few hours' notice: he not only refused to accept any compensation but also gave me his card with his cell phone number in case anything needed to be modified over the weekend before I left the country again.

The doctor in Chicago whom I'd also never met before and also agreed to see me on a few hours' notice: he gave me free samples and a massive discount as a self-pay customer, and then took a few minutes out of his day to sit and chat to me about Missouri and my travels.

Old friends in the Midwest I've known for years: they give you the keys to their homes, pick you up from the airport, tell you to make yourself at home, and most importantly, love you unconditionally no matter what you've been through over the past few years. Okay, there are a few more of you... in London, and Australia. But let's be honest: you don't grow friends like that overnight.

Nieces and nephews that make your heart melt: I still would like to know which person in my family bribed my 2.5 year old niece to whisper to me as she was patting my head, ''I love you, you're my best friend.''

That alone might be enough to bring me back to America.

Thanks to everyone who reminded me that home will always be home, no matter how far and how long I roam.